Anyone but England

It's time for a confession. I don't want England to do well in the World Cup. This isn't because I'm a ponce, or because I'm not patriotic. Here's why:
1. An England victory would mean Gary "rat faced gobshite" Neville will have a World Cup winners medal, whilst Tony Adams and Stuart Pearce - to name but two infinitely worthier players - will not.
2. Frank Lampard went to public school. Do we want to encourage the belief that public schoolboys have any place in football? No. Respect the boundaries.
3. England's success will encourage the dead trees' silly belief that the national team is more important than the club game. It's not. International matches are usually a pale imitation of top club games. How many games in this World Cup tournament will be better than (say) the FA Cup final, or Arsenal v Real Madrid, or Barcelona v pretty much anyone? There's a reason for this. Club sides are teams. International sides are often just collections of individuals.
4. If England do well, the wrong people will be attracted to the game. Already, Premiership grounds are too full of Japanese tourists, PR girlies and - worst of all - the sort of twats who react to a goal by using mobile phone cameras. Football is not a tourist attraction.
5. In attracting the wrong sorts to the game, proper fans will be driven out: men who remember Jeff Blockley, Bovril, brass bands and pissing into newspapers.
6. An England victory will turn even more players into celebrities. I don't mind footballers earning millions of pounds. But they must not, under any circumstances, be friends of Christopher Biggins.
7. It might just be me, but there's something about this England team that doesn't move me. Granted, most seem decentish coves - though see point 1 - but few, Stevie G excepted, stir the soul. Where's the sheer physical beauty of Thierry or Cesc, or the homoeroticism of Freddie, or the indomitability of Kolo, or the boundless athleticism of Eboue?
8. An England victory would bring pleasure to the wrong people. I don't mean chavs from Stoke or Chelmsford. I refer to the greatest scourge of our age - people who talk about "the footie". People who talk about "the footie" should be castrated, their genitals burnt before them, then dismembered with a rusty saw, before being impaled and eaten by wild animals. Good judges, however, believe I am too liberal on such matters.
There's just one offsetting consideration. If I thought Alex Ferguson wanted England to lose, all these arguments would pale into insignificance.

Comments

[Paulie]

That last lot (the ones who talk about 'the footie') sound like Arsenal fans to me Chris.

[stu]

i don't care where Lampard went to school. He is a worthy footballer.

[dearieme]

If England did win it, would the remarkable Mr Crouch be the tallest bloke ever to win a WC-winners medal?

[CB]

He'd certainly be the worst dancer to do so.

[Curious]

Too many exhibit the "wrong" sort of nationalism around this time. I drove past a house that had four cars parked outside. Each car had a St George's flag, there were bigger flags emblazoned on the windows, etc. Some individuals just need to calm down

I find a (not surprising) correlation between those exhibiting the above traits and welfare benefits.

Because there is a difference between patriotism and blind optimism, I can say the following: I don't think there is a reason to worry about England winning the WC. The favourites are Brazil, Argentina, France, Germany and Italy/England (in that order). Unless there is an upset in the build up, that is the order of animals in the football jungle.

[Paulie]

"I find a (not surprising) correlation between those exhibiting the above traits and welfare benefits."

Haw haw haw.

You'll find that there is a greater correlation between those exhibiting the above traits and a willingness and an ability to produce most of the wealth you enjoy, and do most of the dirty work around your manor Curious.

And a greater correlation between those exhibiting the those traits and being a better shag than you are, ... er... you ponce.